


the first stage of grief

by CanIBeAnOakTree



Category: Humans (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 00:58:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15183236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanIBeAnOakTree/pseuds/CanIBeAnOakTree
Summary: Back home with Astrid, Niska finally allows herself to grieve.





	the first stage of grief

**Author's Note:**

> Don't read if you haven't finished season 3 yet. Major spoilers for episode eight.

Niska wasn’t hurting. 

She wasn’t in pain. 

No.

She was past that already.

Niska had always buried her emotions, or fled from them, or pretended she didn’t have them at all.

Pain was, for her, fleeing.

She knew therefore that she could get over this pain

as easily as she got over being punched or electrocuted.  
  


Because Niska was in control. 

She was in control,

she was not at all overcome with pain.

And she was definitely not in denial.  
  


Niska had a cause now, she was a leader, and she had to be strong.

And she was. 

She was not hurting. She was not falling apart. 

She was coping by moving forward, that was all.

Not looking back.

She couldn’t look back.  
  


And it worked for a while, thinking like that.

It worked, until it didn’t.

It worked until she got home, finally home, and the first words out of Astrid’s mouth were:

“Niska.… I saw the news. Your sister... 

I’m so, so sorry.”  
  


Her face showing so much pain. Niska’s pain. The pain Niska tried to hide.

Astrid didn’t do that. She didn’t hide her pain.

Astrid’s emotions were always easy to read. 

And seeing her like that, overcome with loss,

Niska’s loss,

made Niska finally break down.  
  


It didn’t matter that she was connected to the entire internet and all other synths.  

It didn’t matter that she was their new leader, that she was the one tasked with bringing them into a new era.  
  


None of it mattered.

None of it mattered, because her sister was dead.

Mia was supposed to be the leader, not Niska.

And Mia was dead.  
  


Niska had tried to deny that fact, and it had been easy for a while. 

Traveling home she’d been almost in a trance,

seeing the past, the present, and even hints of the future. 

Seeing the connections that had been lost to her before, for the very first time.  
  


She was spellbound, and that made it easier to escape.

It made it easier to forget, to pretend.  
  


But she wasn’t in denial. 

She had told herself this during her entire trip back to London.

She had told herself this while making use of her new powers,

making orange eyes’ follow her commands.

Making one drive her all the way home much faster than what was legal, 

and much faster than what was safe.

This was because she was in a hurry, off course.

It was not an attempt at escape.  
  


Because she was not in denial. 

No, she was moving forward, focused on the future,

that was all.

She was not in denial.  
  


Except she was.  
  


And hearing Astrid talk about it, 

her voice breaking ever so slightly,

that was the last drop.  
  


Niska had everything now. 

She had most of the world’s power at her fingertips. 

There were nearly no limits to what she could do.  
  


Except she didn’t have everything, and she couldn’t do everything.

She didn’t have her sister. 

And she couldn’t bring her back.  
  


The realization made her forget everything else, 

made her tune out everything else, 

and let all the emotions and all the heartbreak flood back into her consciousness, 

making her aware of it again.

She could shut it out again, she knew that.

Except she couldn’t,

and she really, really shouldn’t.  
  


Denial solved nothing.

She could deny and deny and deny,

Forever and ever and ever.

Mia would still be dead.  
  


So when Astrid came towards her, Niska let herself collapse.

She collapsed into her girlfriend’s arms, letting herself be held.

And Astrid held her.

Astrid held her tight, caressing her back and whispering soothing words, just as one would when someone was crying.  
  


Niska couldn’t cry. She could sleep now, but she still couldn’t cry, 

not on the outside. 

She was crying, screaming, sobbing on the inside, and Astrid knew. 

Astrid always knew.  
  


Astrid didn’t question Niska’s eyes, not this time. 

She would later, Niska was sure, and later Niska would tell Astrid everything.

Niska always told Astrid everything.  
  


And there was so much to tell now. 

She had DNA, of sorts.

She could sleep, 

she could dream, or so she’d been told.

Niska could connect to anything 

\- and anyone -

connected to the internet.  
  


And she would tell Astrid all of this, she would.

But later.

Not right now.

Right now, Niska was silently sobbing in her girlfriend's arms.

Right now, Niska was grieving the loss of her sister. 

 


End file.
